S2-Ep3: Building Resilient Teams and Cultures
Season 2, Episode 3: Building Resilient Teams and Cultures
Why do good people sometimes create dysfunctional teams? In this third episode of our transformative burnout series, Christine Dang and Ras Contractor zoom out from individual wellness to tackle the bigger picture: building teams and cultures that genuinely support resilience rather than fuel burnout.
Discover why individual wellness alone can't solve organizational burnout, and learn Ras's groundbreaking approach to transforming toxic cultures into thriving environments. From luxury retail giants like Chanel and Burberry to manufacturing floors, the patterns are the same—and so are the solutions.
In this episode, you'll learn:
Why the "organizational organism" gets sick when leadership fails
The two key traits that distinguish toxic teammates: low self-awareness and zero curiosity
How toxic leaders reveal themselves without "witch hunting" (plus the fascinating history behind that phrase)
The "humble, hungry, and smart" formula for dominant teams
Ras's revolutionary concept of "empathetic narcissism"—finding the balance between people-pleasing and self-absorption
The Ford turnaround story: how radical honesty transformed a failing company
Why psychological safety is the foundation of high performance
A 5-step framework for making uncomfortable conversations comfortable
How to achieve 100% employee engagement increases through one simple principle
Stoic tactics for dealing with difficult people without losing your cool
Plus, get practical tools including:
Team health assessment questions every leader should ask
Role redistribution strategies that let people do work they actually enjoy
The airplane oxygen mask approach to team dynamics
Why "true kindness" sometimes means saying no
Whether you're managing a team, navigating toxic workplace dynamics, or simply trying to understand why some groups thrive while others struggle, this episode provides both the science and the practical strategies to create lasting change.
Key Insight: Culture change starts with individual actions. You can't transform an entire organization overnight, but you can start modeling the behavior you want to see—and that ripple effect is more powerful than you think.
Coming Up in This Series:
Episode 4: Leadership Through Change and Transformation
Episode 5: Creating Sustainable High Performance
Resources mentioned:
Patrick Lencioni's "The Ideal Team Player"
Jim Collins' "Good to Great"
Carol Dweck's work on growth mindset
Ras Contractor: highlevelthink.com | Instagram: @rasallahcontractor
All show notes, transcriptions, and resources: c-dang.com
Transcript
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Christine "C-DANG" Dang
Hey everyone, C Dang here with episode three of our Burnout series featuring Ras Contractor from High Level Think. So far, we've explored the signs of burnout and practical tools for individual wellness. But here's the thing. Individual wellness alone doesn't solve organizational burnout. Today, we're zooming out to look at the bigger picture. How do we build teams and cultures that are genuinely resilient?
Ras brings fascinating insights from his work transforming toxic cultures into thriving environments. We'll explore what he calls empathetic narcissism, finding that balance between meeting your own needs and supporting your team. And we'll dig into why some teams dominate while others struggle, even when they're doing the same work. If you've ever wondered why good people sometimes create dysfunctional teams, this episode is for you. Hi Ras, how's it going?
Ras Allah Contractor
It's going good. Thank you for having me, looking forward to this episode, episode three of what's going to be five. And yeah, let's dive in. I'm excited.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
Awesome. So now the first thing we're going to talk about is a transition from individual to team wellness. And my first question for you is why does individual wellness alone not solve organizational burnout?
Ras Allah Contractor
So technically, if we were going to go just to the individual, the leader of an organization or leadership within an organization, that could solve the entire situation. If the leadership was wellness focused and then also attaching it into business outcomes and leadership development and systems and processes, you're going to solve burnout. Is that always the case? Not always. The companies that do thrive. So let's actually think about it this way.
Individuals make up teams, make up departments, make up full organizations, business units, conglomerates. So if we just deal with the individual and wellness, then sure, but what if the company's not running efficiently? What if there are systems and processes that are creating problems and more work or less work or people aren't being held accountable? So realistically, the way to solve burnout at an organizational level and going back to our previous episodes, chronic stress being the root cause of what's leading to burnout. Chronic stress is something that's stuck. Something is stuck in the organization. It could be systems processes, onboarding, exit interviews, information transfer, technology, people, the way the teams are organized. So we have to do the deep dive to understand the lay of the land. Otherwise we might be solving problems that don't actually exist or problems that are not the root cause.
And lastly, think about mind and body. If the mind is okay but the body is suffering, then there's something that's going to be dysfunctional. And if the body is okay but the mind is still in turmoil, then that's going to trickle up, down, and sideways. So we have to try to get as close to the root cause as possible and then continue to dig. And that's how you solve burnout. That's how you actually develop and train resilience.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
Now this organizational organism concept really resonates with me. I've seen this play out firsthand working in luxury retail like Chanel, Burberry, Prada, Moncler, where you have this complex ecosystem from head office to sales floor. What's fascinating and honestly heartbreaking is watching toxicity spread through the organization like a virus. When I first started at Chanel, there were genuinely good people creating positive environments. But over the years, I've watched this slow transformation happen. It was like watching dominoes fall. Toxic leadership burns out their team. And then those stressed out people interact poorly with their customers and other departments.
The organism was sick basically. And I think the saddest part was seeing good-hearted people who came with such zest for life, let's just say, and collaborative approach slowly turned bitter and defensive. And 10 years in that environment, they weren't even the same person anymore. It wasn't their fault at all. It was definitely leadership. So you're definitely right about being interconnected with everything else.
Ras Allah Contractor
So just take that approach, right? We are shaped by our surroundings. And so we're the average of the five people we spend the most time with. We are influenced internally, externally by the surroundings. We influence the people we are around, or we accept the influences of the people that are around us. This is at a psychological level, at a physical level, at a neuroscientific, at a biomechanical level.
If we don't recognize that, then you're just putting yourself at the mercy of the situations around you. And so it doesn't mean you have to leave, but you definitely have to turn inward and become more self-aware and understand what's changing about you and make sure you dive deep into your values, the things that make you happy, the things that give you energy. Make sure that you become a little selfish and then do the self-care because that's how you will thrive in the long run. And every organization has the same recipe for success, right? Like great leadership that is building a great culture. Without that...
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
That's really interesting and validates a lot of things that I've always thought about so thank you for that. And the second thing is like what makes a team dominant in your terminology?
Ras Allah Contractor
So I like to use sports as an analogy here because I've played sports my whole life. I love the concept behind competition. I'm very competitive and it just kind of relays nicely because the outcomes are quicker than say like a quarterly report. Sometimes, I mean depending if you're talking about full championship level. But let's dive in. Put it this way.
A dominant team will outperform a less dominant team over the course of time. If a great team plays against an average team 10 times, like nine times they're going to win, one time something weird might happen, the team wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. So the definition of dominant, could we say it's powerful, influential, but let's kind of come back to that in a sec.
So basically if you want to be competitive, right, you want to have the best team. Now, what is the best team? I kind of like the Patrick Lencioni ideal team player model as a simple way to put this across. You want a team full of people that are humble, hungry and smart. EQ being the smart side, hungry, being like ready to work and humble. Like I'm not full of myself. I question myself. I am curious. I want to learn and I'm not going to just assume I'm correct. A group of those people are going to have amazing outcomes together.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I love this concept of dominance being about influence and power in a positive way. Let me paint another picture for our listeners who might not connect with sports analogies. So think about your favorite restaurant, right? The one where you never have a bad experience. The host remembers your name, the servers work seamlessly together, the kitchen runs like clockwork, and even the busboys seem happy to be there. That's a dominant team in action.
They're not aggressive. They're not cutthroat. They're just so good at working together that they make excellence look effortless. Compare that to a restaurant where the host seems stressed, servers are clearly not communicating, orders getting mixed up, and you can feel the tension between the front and back of house. Same industry, same basic tasks, but completely different outcomes. So that's something that you're talking about, right? Is that what you mean?
Ras Allah Contractor
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Another reference I'll use is from Good to Great by Jim Collins. They actually compared a couple companies in a lot of different industries and were trying to figure out why some companies do really well and some companies kind of do well and then fall off. And this is going to be fun for your listeners to dig into. One of the key differentials in the companies that had sustaining success was what he called a level five leader, which was typically a more introverted style leader. So an extroverted leader by sheer force of personality is likely to keep the company going in a good direction while they're around, but they're not necessarily building systems and processes to outlast themselves versus an introverted leader or a more introverted leader is more likely to take their time before they speak, not step in every time and let people kind of grow up around them and underneath them.
And then we may get into this later, but ambiversion is, I think, something that if you don't know about, you need to understand because life isn't binary, right? There is a scale to things so you could be very extroverted, could be very introverted. And right down the center it's something called ambiversion which is, you scale both ways. When I figured out I was an ambivert it solved a lot of confusion for me.
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Christine "C-DANG" Dang
So the next thing I want to talk about is identifying toxic patterns, basically. So recognizing dysfunctions in teams. What are the biggest red flags in team dynamics?
Ras Allah Contractor
Great question. I'm going to share probably a little too much on this topic. But the thing is, I'm pretty good at spotting these situations and it's mostly just because I recognize a lot of toxic traits in myself that I've been working on my whole life. So I'm 44. I look back and I'm like, whoa, yeah, you were difficult to be around at times. You know, just recognize it, try to figure it out. And so in that, when I go into a team or a company and I'm like, I can feel this situation. You feel like I used to think the world was against me. And so I kind of have that good litmus test for things.
Now, given that, what two traits am I going to look for if I'm trying to spot the situation? So we can boil it down to self-awareness and curiosity. If those are high, you're probably a pretty awesome teammate. If those are low, you're probably frustrating a lot of people around you.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I agree with that 100% because then it's almost like the difference between fixed mindset and growth mindset basically, right?
Ras Allah Contractor
That's a great way to put it. Carol Dweck's book is fantastic. And then the other side of it is that people tend to rule through sort of sheer force of power, fear, guilt tripping. Like they're going to push the boundaries of what we would consider healthy communication style. Just enough to push you back, but not quite enough to make it seem like they did anything. And the most toxic people are very, very good at making it seem like you're a little bit off in this interaction.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I love her. So then how do you identify toxic leaders without witch hunting?
Ras Allah Contractor
Can I dive into witch hunting for a moment? So witches back in the day were like just herbalists, people who were just trying to heal and they believed in something different from what was the norm. You know, society likes to create these demons in time. And witches, unfortunately, and then suddenly it just becomes a way to control people because if you don't fall in line with the way the village is doing, you're a witch and you're going to get captured. That's a dark part of history, but it's kind of throughout history, you could see the witch hunting all over the place.
So now, here's what I've noticed is that actually through the process of the discovery, and the secret sauce being my interactions with people, they tend to show themselves. So you don't really have to go on the witch hunt. You say enough things, you do enough things, you ask enough questions, you just listen and pay attention. And anybody can do this, you just have to listen and pay attention. If you know, you know. And most likely everybody knows, they just are scared to say it or they've kind of been pushed into a corner or leadership is just not doing anything about it.
So, you know, I did mention like I recognize these qualities in myself, like I was hard to be with when I look back at my life and honestly, sometimes even recently, you know, like I think you're just on a journey in life. But here's the thing, the process that we roll out is it levels the playing field because everybody has to kind of do the reflection, do the personality tests, spend time, and through that, like I said, they show themselves. No witch hunting necessary.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I think you're absolutely right about the term witch hunting first off. I honestly don't even think about the actual historical context when I used it. So thank you for pointing that out. It's such a perfect example of how phrases become so common that we forget their origin. So you're right. Those were healers and wise women who were prosecuted. And here I am casually using that term. I appreciate you calling that out.
It's also a great reminder to be mindful about the language we use. But I love what you're saying about toxic leaders basically revealing themselves because when someone neutral comes in, it's like they can't help but show their cards when the dynamic shifts. And what you said about recognizing those qualities because you've worked on them in yourself is such a powerful self-awareness. Now, I'm curious about this leveling of the playing field that you mentioned. When everyone goes through the same process, the self audit, the strength test, the one-on-ones, does it create this moment where people finally feel safe to acknowledge what everyone's been thinking? But no one's been saying it's like the elephant in the room becomes suddenly visible.
Ras Allah Contractor
You know, it's surprising how much people are interested in sharing, you know what I mean? Because if you give them a platform to, and you listen, they want to tell you about what's going on. And I think, you know, if you come across someone who maybe doesn't want to talk right away, like they may just need some time, but ultimately people do want to share and it's...
You're not necessarily getting people to kind of out the other person. It's actually almost the interactions that you see yourself in the process, because you'll notice the person who talks a bit more over people and kind of forces their way on a situation. Or, you know, they're very cozy with some and then they're kind of standoffish with others. So it's kind of just understanding like a healthy dynamic is everybody interacts comfortably and you will look out for the person who maybe doesn't say as much.
If you're one of the bigger personalities in the room, you should be facilitating the rest of the room. The leader, being the natural biggest personality, possibly the person that writes everybody's checks, needs to be the biggest facilitator in the situation. That's, when you talk about doing team building and strategy assessments, you want a third party to then allow that leader to take part in the process. And we kind of talked about this before. That levels the playing field because now everybody's in it together to grow and nobody's bigger or better than the other.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I love that. So can you share a story about transforming a toxic culture? I'm so curious.
Ras Allah Contractor
Okay, so I'm definitely not going to share times, places, etc. But just picture this scenario. I was recruited to do a culture transformation because there were some issues going on. Just to say, usually HR is inundated by the time they call me. So what do I do? I do my deep dive. I start talking to people. I ask how things are going. I gauge the lay of the land. I just, you know, you got to talk to everybody. And then from there, you start to have some senses. My fun story was...
In the set of meetings that were supposed to roll out the discovery, I've already seen signals, i.e. the person that I'm suspecting is a problem is not as engaged as we're moving on the process. They are almost like standoffish to the process, but they're a high level person, so they should be bought in because, you know, hey, this is the initiative from the company. You should be the one like holding the flag. So that's red flag, red flag. And so we come down to these final meetings to kind of talk through the details and what we want to see moving forward. And they basically just started to go at one of the persons that they were bullying in front of us. So that person got really frustrated and left. And I just asked the question, hey, why did you start talking like that to them? And they just kind of shut down and stormed out of the room.
And that's actually a common occurrence when you confront the situation gently. I've had people sort of look at me in shock and sort of start almost tearing up and they'll just run out of the room and it's shocking to see that in an adult, but that reminds me that nobody gets up. Nobody's born a toxic human. That happens over time because of the way that they grow up. Could be parenting, could be school, could be just a difficult life.
And that's the thing that actually creates the toxic human is they're stunted. So emotionally, when you study this, you understand that window sort of zero to three is difficult, you have to be careful in that window for a child, but actually up to about 10. So if difficult things happen kind of in that window, the emotional growth starts to stunt and you could have an adult running around with an eight year old's mind. And now you imagine that someone who has power with the mind of an eight year old. That's not always good.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
That reminds me of Mel Robbins. She talked about that. She talked to a psychologist about why some people don't have that emotional regulation. And he said, well, if you're always pissed off at people like that, it's probably best to always picture people as an eight-year-old. Because that's when tantrums and all that stuff. And now, when I see someone act like that, I just picture an eight-year-old and I can only feel compassion with that.
But what I find fascinating is that you're describing a pattern I think so many of us have witnessed. That person who's charming up and then toxic down, right? They manage up beautifully. So leadership thinks they're amazing, but everyone below them is always walking on eggshells. Like I've seen this a lot. And so the dynamic you mentioned being cozy with one person and bullying another, then switching it up, that is such a classic manipulation tactic. It keeps everyone off balance and isolated from each other. And I've seen this happen in the luxury industry. I watched this play out firsthand with colleagues and managers and it was so destructive. And the team trust was honestly gone. And out of all of my professional life I've seen people leave because of their manager or leadership, not because of the work itself. It's heartbreaking because good talent walks out the door while toxic people stay.
Ras Allah Contractor
Absolutely, and I'm seeing this in real time through my network. I've seen this for 12 years in work. I saw this in my manufacturing career. I saw this around the night scenes in schools. It's just everywhere where the person, and we talked about this a little bit just before. They'll do just enough to make it seem like you're the problem and then they get away with it. And because it's the visibility of things and we just don't want to... Often, we're not willing to challenge the person that might get the better of us. And so we'll let them do the thing that they are doing that's so bad for everybody else. And like you said, the good people leave.
And that's why, if you run a team, if you run a business, if you have a family, if you have people around you that are important to you, understand what that culture is and why it's so great for you, and fight, fight, fight, fight to protect it. If something is coming in that is toxic or something that is coming in that is trying to decompose your culture, make it sick, fight it, fight it, because it will always overpower the good.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I feel like every leader should always fight for their team and it just breaks my heart when I don't see that happening.
Ras Allah Contractor
I worked on a really fun project early in my consulting career. And I had four owners who were very much a part of their business. They were the gateway to information, they were producers in the business, and I had the opportunity to work with one of them, and I said, look, you are doing too much. Your team is only your assistants? That doesn't make any sense. So she trusted me to rejig her workflow, and within months, we had project managers where we had assistants. So she was like, thanks.
And so talking to one of the other owners and he's like, hey, can you do this for me? Yeah, sure. So we did that. And then, yeah, just kind of cycled my way through all four and basically just took them out of the business. They could then sort of come and go as they please. And we had leaders developing rapidly because the opportunity was there. They had strong players. They just were not ready to hand off. And some of the strong players needed a little bit of like handholding through this very tricky spot that you've been trying to do for a long time, but it seems like you can't get over this. So I personally helped them get over the hump. And then from there, boom, world is your oyster.
One of the things that I've been able to do is really assess the root cause, the bottleneck in the situation, and then win enough goodwill or trust to make the change. And then once the change is actualized, everybody's like, that's great.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
That's amazing. That's awesome. Thanks for sharing that.
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Christine "C-DANG" Dang
Okay, so with that, let's talk about the empathetic narcissism balance, like understanding individual needs within team context. So the question I have for you is what does empathetic narcissism mean in practice?
Ras Allah Contractor
Right? So it's two seemingly like polar opposite terms and then I've slapped them together. So, you know, some of your community is going to go, what the hell is he talking about? And that's fair. Now, first, let's just define our terms, right? So empathy is the understanding of what is happening around us with other people, other things, right? If we want to extend that out. And the concept of narcissism is like, because of a me first attitude, like I matter. I'm the center of the world. I'm the center of my universe. I'm the lead in my own play.
So, you're slapping together. What does that mean? What I mean is, in order to find the balance between what you need to be successful and what everybody around you needs to be successful, it's a tricky situation because we get pulled either too far one way or another. You are too empathetic or you let the empathy kind of overpower your own emotional fortitude and you become sympathetic or you basically almost turn into a people pleaser, maybe you do become a people pleaser. And just FYI, I struggled with people pleasing because I was just way too concerned with what other people wanted of me. And it led me down a dark path and I had to realize, whoa, I really got to be aware of what benefits me in the long run. And I have to be aware of my own requirements in a situation and not just defer to like, we'll just make a joke out of this or yeah, for sure, I can help you out with this thing.
Now on the flip side. You know, when you go through some stuff, especially early on in your life, like you can end up becoming a little bit self-centered and it'll just be a self-protection mechanism, right? So, you know, I've done it both, very narcissistic human and then also like very much a people pleaser and it just depends on the situation because you're just trying to survive and you don't really have that internal compass and specifically fortitude to sort of stay centered under pressure of another energy that might be pushing you one way or another.
Most likely people are more narcissistic with the people they're comfortable with and people pleasing with the people that they want something from or like don't really feel safe being themselves. So it's exactly the opposite. Like actually you need to be more empathetic to the people that love you, that are close to you, that trust you, that you trust. And then with people who are, you know, I don't really know what you want from me yet and I'm not really sure how this is going to go. Like you probably need to be a little bit more self-saving. We call it self-absorbed. It's okay.
So when you slap it together, let's look at it from a team perspective, from a company perspective. If I know what I need to be successful in my role as a human being, personally, professionally, and I'm very locked into my values, and everybody else is the same. So together we come and we say, okay, look, I need this, I need this, I need this, and I need this. And we all say that, then it's all in the front. And if there's something that someone can't hit, then we talk about it. Okay, this can't be done, what's a workaround? And so, we may get into this later, but it's a wonderful Ford turnaround story where the company was just kind of the stuff that was going wrong and the company was failing. And basically what ended up happening is new leadership comes in and is just trying to create a culture of honesty. And nobody's following in because they're all terrified of getting fired. And one guy steps up because he figures if I don't share this, I'm going to get fired anyways. And he shares it and people help and they fix the problem. And he didn't get fired. Maybe we should. And boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And now the company is sharing the actual problems, diving in together to support and thriving. So that was a massive turnaround for a big company and it all started at the top, culture of safety, away from a culture of fear, accountability, and then everybody banding together to get it done.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
This is such a fascinating concept because traditionally we think narcissism and empathy is completely opposite as you stated. Narcissism personalities typically only think for themselves and struggle with genuine empathy. While therapy can help manage narcissism's traits, true NPD isn't really curable. But what you're describing is something entirely different.
It's like finding that sweet spot between two extremes. On one end, you have people pleasers, as you mentioned, who lose themselves trying to meet everyone else's needs. And then the other, you have those who are so self-focused that they can't see beyond their own wants. So your empathetic narcissism is almost like healthy boundaries in action. You're saying, I see you, I understand what you need, and I'm also clear about what I need. It's not selfish or selfless. It's self aware.
I love that you emphasize having these conversations upfront because when you're transparent about where you can and can't support others, you're actually empowering them to find their own solutions instead of creating dependency or resentment, right? It reminds me of the airplane oxygen mask analogy. You have to secure your own before helping others. But in this case, you're doing both at the same time, just with clear communication about your capacity. Is that what allows teams to actually thrive when everyone else is practicing this balance?
Ras Allah Contractor
Absolutely, so we're not in a near-death situation which is why we don't have to first take care of ourselves as a priority. But that being said when it is then you must. So if someone's close to burning out then it's very important that they go and take care of themselves and put everybody else's wants and requirements aside. Now here's the thing if we factor in what is needed from us, what we need from everything around us and we're clear then we almost reduced the potential resentment to zero and there's a clear mind and we can all move forward because everything is up front. So the key being that communication will save us all.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
So how do high performers balance personal ambition with team success then?
Ras Allah Contractor
Here's the thing. It's all about the optics, the metrics, and the indicators that we're using, right? So if we all recognize that long term we need to be balancing. So if the high performer or the leader or anybody on the team is leading by example, i.e. perform, recover, perform, recover, perform, recover, that's actually long-term high performance. So if you do consider yourself a high performer, then you want the entire team to do better. Because actually a high performer in a team is going to boost that team's productivity by maybe 80 to 100%. And then you contrast that with having a low performer, you're going to be in the negatives. And a toxic person is going to be even further in the negatives. So you really, you got to understand that if you are looking to do well in the long run, then the entire organization needs to lift with you.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
So with that in mind, what role does psychological safety play in that?
Ras Allah Contractor
Imagine a world where we can actually just be ourselves and not worry about what is going to happen when we are authentic and genuine. That is what's possible if we have an actual culture of psychological safety. If I don't have to second guess myself when I want to share difficult news or share when I'm frustrated about something or share when I'm excited about something, because hey, if I share that I'm excited, then someone's going to feel bad and then they're going to sort of take it out on me. It goes all spectrums, right?
You know, think back to a stressful interaction. It probably changed the way you behaved in certain situations moving forward. And so if we're constantly doing that, then we're not really behaving the way that we naturally would. Go back to your experience in retail around seeing people come in with bright eyes and energy and charisma and then become these shells of themselves that are bitter, frustrated and defensive about everything. Here's the thing, if we feel safe, we perform at our best.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I agree with you in everything you say. And I think that also comes into play with emotional intelligence. I don't think a lot of people understand that enough. Like I think emotional intelligence is something that is so important because it helps us self-regulate with our emotions, but not only that, become very self-aware of what we do. If people push us or try to bully us, we know how to talk back or like defend ourselves in a way that would be more positive environment. Would you say?
Ras Allah Contractor
Absolutely. Here's the thing about someone who's trying to get the better of you in a selfish kind of emotionally charged way. If they're the only ones that are being emotional then they're the ones that are going to look less than stellar. So if we are always you know I love stoicism for this because it's like it is what it is, the obstacle is the way, things are going to happen and it's how we respond. So we hold ourselves to a high standard of response and so someone's being belligerent or strange you know you just look at them and you just you're quiet and you say can you say that again, what did you mean by that? And you're going to take the wind out of their sails because they're going to realize that they're not doing anything to you and you could pull it even further. I'm sorry, what? And you've completely flipped the script. I'm sharing some tactics today. If someone's pissing you off, what?
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I think this is for people who are people pleasers, like myself. Sometimes you want to fill in the air when it's silence, but you have to understand that silence is the name of the game. The more silent you are just listening, it just makes people more anxious if anything. It's not a good way, but for someone who is bullying you, instead of fighting back, just stay quiet and listen to exactly what they're saying and then ask questions for them to explain better because one way is like you're also helping them out figuring their side. It's like oh shoot I can't mess with this person. And second is like oh I can't push their buttons like this, I won't try again. So yeah so the tactic that Ras is saying is like that's definitely something we should talk about maybe in the future. But like there's so many ways to deal with people who are very difficult in a way that makes you the good guy because honestly kill them with kindness. That's the only way but without giving them everything that they want.
Ras Allah Contractor
I love how you brought up kindness. Now, I just want to share that let's not consider kindness, you know, being what the other person wants from us or like trying to be only gentle. Like let's be truly kind to them in the way that serves us and them in the long term. So if someone's being a jackass, the kind thing to do is to put up the wall and say, uh-uh, no, we're not going to behave like that. No, no, that's not going to work here. No. If they continue, right, you might have to go, no, stop right now. That is holding someone accountable to me is the true definition of kindness. It's the hard thing to do, but it's the right thing to do.
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Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I love the whole kindness thing because I really think like if someone's giving you fire, don't match that fire. You can only be a little bit more compassionate and ask why are they like that? Like how do we diffuse that? Because it makes you look better as a person if anything. Which brings me to the next point, which is about building trust and communication. So practical team building strategies.
Ras, I know you have so much. So the first question I have for you is how do you make uncomfortable conversations comfortable?
Ras Allah Contractor
So basically you got to think about it this way. We have to practice being uncomfortable so that it basically becomes comfortable and that's kind of the opposite of how people might behave. For example, I became in post childhood and into my teens, it became very conflict averse. I would shy away from conflict unless it was like way too much and then I would just lose it. And so I had to train myself to seek out conflict. So if I saw it and it was affecting me, I went to it. And it wasn't always perfect, but I trained myself to go to it. Because I realized I had to exist in that situation, otherwise it was going to be to my detriment.
So practice is key. And that's where team building, role play, spending time in workshops, that's important, right? Because you only grow by the doing. It's in the doing that we learn. If you want to, there's processes all over the place. Let's just roll out a simple one here.
So first, you're going to have a safe environment. So keep that straightforward. A place where everybody can talk without distraction, without interruption, without worrying about how you seem in front of other people. And then just focus on facts. So make sure that we're not talking about anything, we're not sharing anything that is not actually factual. And this is sometimes hard to do under emotions, but we need to distill it down to the facts. Then we got to listen actively. So here we're listening, we're not waiting to talk. That's basically the difference between active and reactive listening. And then we got to seek shared solutions. If there's conflict, we have to come to some type of a compromise because we're both not comfortable with the situation that's happening. And then you got to agree on the next steps, which means we both have to buy in on what the next plan is.
And so if you do that, you'll get some framework. Now that being said, be real, be vulnerable, speak from your own perspective and don't be charged or accusatory. All those real things, like if someone was like that to us, it would make us a little more fiery. If it's not working, you're going to need some mediation. Ultimately, someone has to have a final say if two people can't come to an agreement. So in real practice, role play, have a process, but if two people can't figure it out, someone more senior is going to have to come in and decide where to go from here.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I love that. I love the different steps that you gave and also being real and vulnerable. I think a lot of people are so scared of that too. So then like, what's your approach to roles and responsibilities in that term?
Ras Allah Contractor
So let's have fun with this, right? So basically, imagine you have an organization, a team that has a way of doing things. They even have an SOP, a standard operating procedure. And let's just blow the whole thing up. Let's just take all the tasks that need to be done every single day, every single week, every single month, every quarter, every year. And so let's identify the most important tasks, the least important tasks, all the other tasks. Now, we've got to reassess who is the right person to be doing this.
And then, or who really enjoys doing this? So your first round could be just everybody take the task that they like. If two people like the same task, sure, you both keep it for now and we'll figure out what to do next. And then there's going to be a whole bunch of stuff. Then you got to balance the workflow so that you don't have a bottleneck. One person can't have a gazillion tasks and everybody else has four. And then sometimes that will actually indicate, you know, what's our next hire? There's a bunch of important things to get done. Nobody actually wants to do this. There's a job role right there.
Or we need to shift these responsibilities. Maybe we should shift some titles around because your job is this, but you actually want to do that. Okay, sounds good. We need to have people doing the things that they're good at, that they're motivated to do, and that they enjoy doing. And that's how we enjoy coming to work.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I love that. So then my next question is, how do you achieve 100% employee engagement increases?
Ras Allah Contractor
The simple answer to this is that once you give people an opportunity to share, then you take action, they feel heard. And once they're heard, they're excited to be part of the process. So imagine having the discovery meetings and then taking a bunch of suggestions and then actually just not doing anything. They're going to say, I just wasted a half hour or an hour of my time. And they're not going to be happy about that. But if you share with them, hey guys, this is what you guys tell me is a problem. This is what we're going to do about it. This is how we're going to fix it. And here's our project plan. Boom, everybody's engaged. That being said, sometimes they're not actually willing to do the work to get the things that they ask for. And that's a whole other discussion.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I love that. I don't know why, but the way you were describing it, it warmed my heart because I think we need more of this in so many different work cultures and whatnot. Thank you so much for sharing.
Ras Allah Contractor
No problem.
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Christine "C-DANG" Dang
Gosh, so far our talk has been so good, but all good things have to come to an end. Now I just wanted to talk about the team, quick team health check for listeners. So what questions should team leaders ask themselves?
Ras Allah Contractor
Let's just go with the trust piece. So does my team trust me? Do they believe what I'm saying? Do they feel safe around me? Do they know I have their best interests? Do they have my best interests? As the person that runs the team, that's a very important self-assessment to take.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
I love that. And don't you worry, guys, I'll have these questions listed somewhere for you to take a look at as well. And so then how can individual contributors influence team culture?
Ras Allah Contractor
Let's just put it this way, everybody's a leader. You're a leader in your own life. You have to get up, take care of some stuff, and then make your way to whatever it is that you do. And then you have to get yourself back and somehow get to bed and cycle through your life. So you lead, everybody leads, and so the way to make a difference is to lead by example. If you lead by example and you do the right things and you exemplify the culture that it is that you feel is right, stick to your values. Whatever you're doing that feels right and is allowing you to thrive is the right decision.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
Ras, this conversation about team dynamics and that concept of empathetic narcissism, it's really reshaping how I think about balance in relationships, both at work and in life. So I hope our listeners are seeing that building resilient teams isn't about everyone being tough or pushing through. It's about creating environments where people can be authentic, where their needs are acknowledged and where success is shared.
For those of you managing teams or even just navigating workplace dynamics, remember that culture change starts with individual actions. You might not be able to transform your entire organization overnight, but you can start modeling the behavior you want to see. Right, Ras? So next we're talking about leadership through change. And trust me, with the insights Ras shares, you'll have practical tools for those challenging transitions we all face.
All show notes, transcriptions, and links from today's episodes are available at c-dang.com. And if you're curious to learn more about Ras, visit his website at highlevelthink.com. And where can they find you on Instagram, Ras?
Ras Allah Contractor
That's right. Yup, check me out. Ras Allah Contractor is my handle. I post a lot about breathwork and enjoy those videos.
Christine "C-DANG" Dang
Amazing. And so thank you so much for joining us on this journey. Stay connected, stay authentic, and stay dang good. Much love. CDang, signing out.
